This is probably a load a shit

This is probably crap and I'm just feeling sorry for myself and run down after a frankly brilliant and fucking messy weekend I feel terrible, I want a cuddle, I'm miserable. I feel so sad, I'm literally whinging cause I Have a come down. Also I Feel sick and have seriouse stomac ache :( On another note I love Vod from fresh meat. Moody aratic baby.

Its not the same.

I missJess and Baz! Its not the same here without them. They have lived with me so long and its so hard not having them around all the time. They make me feel better effortlessly, and thats not something many people can do. I would just sit with them, have a little chat and it would always cheer me up. And now I talk to Jess for a bit each day, not loong nowhere near enought. And it feels like so much less, she has been gone a week and it feels like forever. They know me. The can see straight throught me and I feel comfortable around them. I'm not doinf to well recently my heads a mess and I dunno if I'm coming or going and I wish I could see them to feel less lost. I've only got 3 people I really talk too and I've lost 2 of them in a week. I shoulsnt complain, I'm not the one in sicily alone. I just really really miss them and the house feels empty all the time now.

I am strong and independent

and I will be happy with who I am for me along with out relying on anyone else. I guess that's my main goal to be comfortable in my own skin, to be happy with the person I am. But sometimes/ somedays its hard and I'm lonely and sad and want someone to fuss over me or I want comfort and affection from another person, I guess that must never go away, no mater how long you're alone? I miss having someone call to make sure I'm OK. being strong and independent is much harder than being doted on.

I feel really crappy today, about my future and life and stuff, like I'm not good enough and I'm never going to get anywhere in photography. This sucks.

Im neurotic.

The wind is so loud outside my room its sounds like its gonna break my window. Its a bit scary. I miss Shiv, I havent spoke to her much recently and that always makes me feel bad. I was really positive this morning and now im i feel dreadfull, I just want to be happy, im trying so hard to be strong and independent and Im not very good at it, Im lonley as fuck. Its just me by myself 80% in my room being lonley. Im trying to be healthier, healthy people on tumblr all seem so happy and positive but im not feeling any diffrent. Whats wrong with me. Why am I never ok.

I feel dreadfull. Im not getting any better as a person. Im more uncertain of myself, Im more timid of people, Im less interesting, less exciting, every thing seems more inhanced in the worst way possible. I feel like i should be stronger, braver, smarter, happier, more bold but really im just less interesting and more fucked up.

For whatever reason Im feeling fairly optimistic about this new year, i really dont know why, but i am! So i'll just go with that.